Lard Butt

Authorities today booked Phineas T. Phat on 36 felony counts of criminal stupidity, terming his claim that his son, Eagle Phat, was encased in an actual container of Jiffy Pop popcorn ‘a bunch of hoey.’ 

Phineas Phat and his family were preparing to watch a ten-hour reality TV marathon late Sunday when they realized that Eagle Phat was not among them.  Eagle’s brother, Muscrat Phat, recalled seeing Eagle in the kitchen minutes earlier, so he conveyed to his parents that Eagle ‘had to be’ encased in a just-cooked stovetop container of popcorn.

The family immediately called 9-1-1 and hired an agent to call every media outlet in the United States with word of their plight.  Authorities randomly closed all regional airports as the FBI joined local law enforcement – and an army of TV reporters – in a tense vigil outside the Phat residence.  Inside, the Phat family nervously ate the entire container of popcorn without any trace of Eagle Phat. 

Meribeth Phat, Eagle’s mother, broke down, as she assumed that someone had accidently eaten her son.  “At one point, Muscrat told me that he didn’t like his brother and I took it literally,” she explained between sobs. 

Hours later, Eagle Phat was found hiding upstairs in a large crate, reading by flashlight a self-help book on how to throw up on national TV.